Stuff from July & August 2017

               To Express Dissatisfaction

‘Hey.’

‘Hey.’

‘How yuh doin’?’

‘Not too bad. You?’

‘Can’t complain.’

‘Oh, yes you can.

Everybody has plenty to complain about.

You just gotta have some gripes; You know you do.

Go ahead! Don’t suffer in silence. Let it out.

Grizzle till you run out of gas. You’ll feel so much better.

Think of the catharsis! Think of the release!

Your job sucks and your boss is a shitnozzle?

Fuckwit drivers don’t know how to use their turn signals?

Bitch about it.

Your fucken car?

Burglers?

Cops?

The opposite sex?

Your power bill?

Assholes on the internet?

Your landlord?

Your family?

Bank fees?

Predatory corporations?

Food fads?

Neoliberalism?

The government?

Young people nowadays?

How about human greed and cruelty?

Money?

C’mon! Indulge yourself in a bit of a whinge!’

‘Well, it has been raining a lot the past few days.’

‘Well done! The weather’s always good for a grumble.’

  

             Consequences Last

My mother’s abusive behaviour toward me,

starting from the dawn of my memory in the 1940s,

still fucks me up in 2017,

and nothing seems to have much effect on that.

Because consequences last,

and last,

and last,

in my mind I always come in last.

Anything else feels unnatural.

Other people seem to be able to sense this

and exploit it when the occasion arises,

like carrion crows,

if I’m not already less than shit to them

and not worth the trouble

of even considering last.

I don’t cast aspersions on them for this.

I realise that’s just the way it is.

Their behaviour toward me is only natural and right.

I accept it.

Of course I don’t like it,

but nobody has any cause to give a shit

about what I like or don’t like

except for me, naturally,

and I don’t count.

And to all the smug, smirking

evangelists of positive thinking

who tell me that I can shed this baggage

if I only want to do so and Just Do It,

I can only explain my failure to assert myself

by agreeing with them that I’m their inferior,

and will they please just shut the fuck up.

Consequences last.

            Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Ringo just claimed in an interview

that Paul had died in 1966

and that an imposter named Billy Shears

has been impersonating him

for the past half-century or so.

Paul replied publicly that Ringo is senile

adding a few other dismissive adjectives.

Social media took up the debate.

Now, back in 63 when the Beatles first hit

I danced with clumsy white-boy enthusiasm

and sang, ‘I wanna hold your gland!’

loudly off-key over the record,

just like so many others did,

and in 67 I got stoned and lost myself in Sgt Pepper,

just like so many others did,

but when I saw this public stoush

and considered some of its potential consequences,

I realised that, in 2017,

which person was telling the truth there

had no effect whatsoever on my life

one way or the other,

even though the truth is always important,

and decided it was time to take my old dog for a walk,

and then make myself a cheese and tomato sammie

for supper when we made it back home.

I don’t eat as much at one sitting as I used to do.

I wonder if this goes for other old people,

like Ringo and Paul-Or-Not-Paul, too.

 

       It’s The Jews, He Told Me

Conspiracy theorists say that they think,

and furthermore say that they think

that they’re bucking the establishment

and battling against those who oppress the rest of us

by suppressing information.

One problem with this, for me at least,

is that it serves the purposes of the oppressors

by diverting energy and outrage and media exposure

from the way that they, the plutocracy,

are actually ruining billions of lives

by focusing on trivialities.

I mean, it makes no difference to me

if NASA faked the moon landing

and has spent a large chunk of its budget since then

paying hush money to everyone on the film crew

who did their dirty work –

and it would’ve been a fairly large film crew.

It makes no difference to me if all those involved

want to spend large amounts of energy and money

suppressing evidence of visitors from outer space

for no reason that I know of.

I’ve been drinking fluoridated water

for most of my life

with neither my neighbours nor myself

suffering any ill effects.

And so on.

It does make a difference, though,

if they can get people to blame

a medium-sized London merchant bank

(((The Jews)))

for all of the oligarchy’s crimes,

and then some.

  

                             No Debate 

It’s another New Zealand election campaign season,

and glancing at the comments section under political posts,

which I’m indeed old enough to know better than to do,

it struck me how generally worthless political arguments are.

Look – you wanna vote for the National Party? Fine.

If the National Party embodies your values,

that is, if you think corruption, mean-spiritedness, lying,

bullying, and kissing the arses of rich pigs –

both Kiwi and multinational – is desirable,

and you think the Greens are –

oh, I don’t know: a bunch of poo bums,

or some similar name-callers’ epithet,

then I think you should definitely vote for National –

No debate there. No argument.

Simple, eh?

And Labour? Well, y’know,

if you’re comfy in the narrowing middle of the road,

with good intentions blunted by corporations’ donations,

go for it!

Now, seen any good movies lately?

      Respecting Others’ Cultures

The matador fucked up,

for whatever reason,

and died from impact with the bull’s horns.

The Spaniards, as is their cultural tradition,

hanged the bull by his neck,

a terrible, agonising death

for the uncomprehending soul

who was only defending himself.

The 40-year-old Yemeni family’s friend

married their eight year old daughter,

as is the Arabian cultural tradition;

she died of internal bleeding

on their wedding night.

In Yulin, China the villagers laugh

as they shove a struggling, tortured dog

into boiling water

as part of their cultural tradition

that calls for this.

A court in Belgium found eight princesses

from the United Arab Emirates

guilty of slave trafficking

on a stay in a luxury Belgian hotel,

the ownership and mistreatment

of slaves as domestic servants

being a traditional cultural status symbol

back home in the Gulf.

French farmers and gourmets

savour the cultural tradition

of torturing geese before slaughtering them

for their artificially enlarged livers, or foie gras,

that satisfy the gourmets’

traditionally pampered palates.

Many people in East Africa’s Great Lakes region

act on a traditional cultural belief

that the body parts of albino people

have magical properties,

by killing and butchering albino children

to get the ingredients

for their magic potions.

Poorly educated people in the American South,

who identify themselves as white people,

including some poorly educated college graduates,

revere displaying the Confederate flag

as emblematic of their most dearly held

cultural traditions,

specifically proud memories of a war

their ancestors fought to deny the humanity

of the ancestors of people in whose faces

they – traditionally – prefer to wave it.  

                    A Career In Sales

I reached into my letter box

on my way out to walk the dog,

groped out an envelope,

which wasn’t from the Council or the Government,

and stuck it in one of my hip pockets, right next to my

heart.

It was addressed to ‘Resident’,

and was from the Slingshot mobile-phone-number company.

A blurb on the outside of the envelope

offered a six months not-quite-free something or other.

It made me feel a sharp sadness.

New Zealand has a shitload of telecom service providers,

Slingshot isn’t among either the most popular

or the most highly rated by its customers,

and most of us have other things to do

than go through the hassle of changing phone companies.

That poor bastard in charge of Slingshot sales!

Think of the shit our system puts people like that through.

Think of the pressure from the bosses,

who are too cheap to let the pathetic patsy

offer the punters a real incentive;

think of the cost of direct-mail advertising –

think of the desperation!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor mug

ends up riding an avalanche of P right down the gurgler.

                    Spousal Abuse Witnessed

One time Smoky asked me

if my step-father ever abused my mother.

I cracked up, almost spraying my coffee in front of me.

Nobody ever abused my mother;

it was my mother who abused other people.

This was as certain as the sun setting in the west.

It brought to mind the evening before I married Helena,

and we attended a pre-nuptial soirée for family and friends

in a flash duplex suite that Howard, my step-father,

had taken in some flash French Quarter hotel.

Howard had an alcohol problem, and he’d tucked into a

person-with-an-alcohol-problem’s ration of bubbly,

but he was harmless, standing off at an introvert’s distance

with a silly smile on his face, somewhat unsteady on his pins.

My mother, however, took exception to his condition

(maybe he’d told her he’d do it teetotal – I don’t know)

and started tearing shreds off him

with the sort of persistent, venomous nastiness

for which she had few equals in this world.

Unable to escape her, Howard raised his hand in anger.

She coldcocked him, a roundhouse right

that would’ve flattened him

if a piece of furniture hadn’t been fortunately in place

behind him to catch his fall.

He didn’t arise again immediately,

and the party was as good as over.

No, my step-father never abused my mother.

If any abusing was to be done,

she’s the one who was going to do it.

              Captain Beefheart Is Dead

A dry, aromatic Southwestern canyon breeze

ruffled the cypress and the juniper

and the hair on my arms as I toured the log-façaded villa.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

Some geniuses are so simple that they’re difficult,

but they can respond to simplicity, and easily;

business can fuck up anything but the source of the music.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

Nighttime in the desert exposes unchanging majesty;

the desert animals come out to its welcome,

the sun’s crazy blazing blocked off by God’s golfball.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

Music slips in between a barrage of rainfall,

being randomly structured, but rigidly composed;

raindrops are matter; the stars are matter; we’re matter, too.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

Nerds and geeks and earnest-looking weirdos

packed the sour-smelling room shoulder-to-shoulder

and knew all the word and free-form instrumentation phrases.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

The Blue Grosbeak takes no cash for its musical efforts,

dogs don’t charge each other for the poetry of their scent,

crisp, grey autumn days dispense their magic for free,

Captain Beefheart is dead.

That deep, gravelly, expressive blues voice

that captivated the Captain’s devoted cult following

chuckled warmly at my little joke.

Captain Beefheart is dead.

  

                 Thingness

   (a song lyric needing music)

We’re a dildo, not a cock,

you and me.

We’re not a person, just livestock,

we’re a porn flick not a lover;

with no feelings, with no cover.

We can just forget about the blues;

we’re only there for them to use;

we’re the doormat, we’re the football,

you and me.

They tell us that we’re special in God’s eyes,

you and me,

but act like we’re too inert to despise –

We can just forget about the blues;

we’re only there for them to use;

we’re the doormat, we’re the football,

you and me.

We’re soulless and disposable,

like a condom or a tampon,

ornaments they can tramp on,

hardly even decomposable;

we’re a something, not a somebody;

maybe useful, maybe shoddy –

just an it – you and me.

We’re not citizens, just consumers,

you and me.

targets for their nasty sense of humour –

you and me.

We can just forget about the blues;

we’re only there for them to use;

we’re the doormat, we’re the football,

you and me.

Unless, of course, you’re one of them –

you, not me.

Unless, of course, you’re one of them –

you, not me.

      The Verbalator

I have it! I have it!

The Next Great Superhero,

good for a franchise

of scads of movies

and piles of pingas,

will be – ta-DAH!

The Verbalator!

By day an inarticulate kitchen hand

working the lunch shift

at a cheesy chop house,

Our Hero transforms into

The Verbalator

when the sun goes down,

befuddling bad guys

with elegant verbiage,

a cracking vocabulary,

and savagely excellent grammar and syntax.

A suave, urbane, cultured sort,

The Verbalator will sign off each episode

with a wry smile

(or a shy smile,

or maybe a grimace)

and the catch-phrase:

‘Words work wonderful wins.’

Or maybe, ‘Words win wonderful work.’

Or maybe, ‘Win with wonderful word work.’

Or something like that.

I’m open to suggestions

if they’ll help get this idea off the ground.

I visualise myself in the role, of course,

although it might be better box office

for The Verbalator to be a woman.

Ranting On

  Delicacy About Death

When I die,

I hope that nobody

is gonna refer to the event

as me ‘passing away’.

Euphemisms frost my arse.

Of course, when I’m dead

there’ll be fuckall I can do

to complain about it.

     It’s Probably Wrong, Anyway

The pretension of radio announcers

who read weather forecasts,

and of course that of the TV weather hair-dos,

of ostentatiously refusing to pronounce

the ‘th’ in ‘north’ and ‘south’

when combined with ‘east’ or ‘west’, as in:

(“a storm coming from the sou’west”

“wind from the nor’east”),

as if doing so automatically qualifies them

as old salts from a century ago

or something

would be pathetic

if it didn’t sound so irritatingly artificial

and self-satisfied.

     Control

The Forces of Evil

are out of control.

The Forces of Evil

are in control.

They’re in control

of the world’s

economic system

and its component parts,

except in Iceland,

but I’m not there,

and they’re making life harder

for most people

and other species,

while careering out of control.

The Forces of Evil

are in control

of almost every

political system

in the world,

except maybe Iceland’s,

but I’m not there,

and they’re ratcheting up

their domination and repression

almost everywhere,

careering out of control.

The Forces of Evil

are in control

of what most people

see and hear

and think about,

and how,

setting the agendas,

and striving continuously

to isolate and contain

information and thinkers

inconvenient to themselves,

while careering out of control.

The Forces of Evil

are in control

of the world’s major religions,

brainwashing people

from toddlerhood

to consider evil to be a virtue,

their hatreds being out of control.

The Forces of Evil

being in control

means that human societies

will have to become

enormously worse

before serious threats

to their control

materialise, but since

the Forces of Evil

are careering out of control

this will happen

someday.

Still, whoever replaces them

are certain to become

Forces of Evil

themselves

as long as control is still possible –

and it will be –

because people who crave control

are unable to control

their egotistically evil selves.

  I Suppose Somebody’s Gotta Do It

My major social function over the decades

has been as a receptacle

for cheap talk

and empty words.

Never a shortage, that I can recall.

                    Don’t Be Offensive!

Maybe we should have laws or something

to prevent people from saying and doing offensive shit.

After all, plenty of things offend me:

almost all TV commercials offend me, for one thing;

aggressive religiosity offends me;

Las Vegas-style entertainment offends me;

wearing peaked caps backwards for no reason

other than conformism offends me;

patriotic American hypernationalism offends me;

Vodafone’s so-called customer service offends me;

using euphemisms and writing ‘f*ck’ and ‘sh#t’

instead of ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ offends me;

everything about the Jeep brand offends me;

Benyamin Netanyahu offends me,

as do all other self-righteous, power-abusing bullies;

signalling right and then turning left offends me;

Good Friday being a public holiday offends me;

pseudoscientific quackery and elaborate superstitions offend me;

forcing pop music on me when I’m on hold offends me;

global capitalism offends me.

If people can’t respect my feelings enough

to desist from offending me,

and the law provides me with no recourse,

well, I suppose they deserve any retribution

that I can inflict on them.

Don’t you agree?

Too bad I can’t find a congenial cleric

to buy me a Kalashnikov,

not to mention some ammunition, eh?

And don’t tell me that any difference exists

between respect and arse-kissing, either.

      Personal Importance

I like to be on time,

and when people are late

and make me wait

without tipping me off

about what the story is

it makes me feel that they think their time,

and therefore their lives –

because time is the substance of our lives –

are more important than mine.

I wouldn’t argue with them.

Despite what others may think

one way or the other about it –

if at all –

when I’m just me

I’m nothing.

They can attach importance, of course,

to whatever they choose.

     Etiquette With The Harebrained

I know some people,

actually fairly nice people,

who are eager suckers

– to the extent that it consumes their lives –

for every harebrained superstition,

conspiracy theory, fad diet,

pseudoscience, and quick hustle

that pops up,

devoutly panicking about the dangers

of chemtrails, fluoridation, Agenda 21,

EMF radiation, aspartame, vaccines –

and indeed any scientifically sound medical practice –

and eagerly embracing

astrology, iridology, psychic readings, gluten-free paleo diets,

homeopathy, acupuncture, and alternate medicine in general –

all superstitions that I despise.

What to do, what to say, how to act

presents a problem for me,

as I hate getting into arguments,

especially pointless ones

with true believers,

whether I otherwise like them or not.

All I can do is endure and ignore those mania

that they throw in my face

and make myself scarce

as soon as possible.

                           P.E.G.

Six-twenty in the autumn pre-dawn.

A car rolled by where I was walking

up Boundary Road

toward the Five Crossroads roundabout.

I heard the snarl of a motor

coming rapidly up from behind me.

Another car, moving maybe twice as fast as the first,

zoomed up to within a metre or two

of its back bumper.

The first car slowed down

and then, several seconds later, stopped

at the roundabout

to let a couple of cars go by,

with the tailgater stopped behind him.

The tailgater hadn’t saved himself any time,

but he probably did achieve

his real objective,

which was almost certainly

obtaining some sick psychosexual ego gratification.

                       River Road

I live a block or so from River Road,

which is known for its upmarket real estate,

and although the houses are decorative

and the trees are big,

I avoid it as much as I can.

The problem is the drivers.

River Road is a more or less straight shot

with no cross streets

from its start at the railroad overpass

to the roundabout at the Fairfield Bridge,

and then again to the roundabout

at the Pukete Bridge,

so the generally upmarket drivers

treat it like a racetrack.

I avoided driving on it for years.

I don’t think it matters that much

that River Road residents have clout

and have managed to keep its speed limit at 50 kph.

Those big, expensive cars tailgate each other

even when they’re both going 80,

as well as when they’re behind people

who’d rather not get speeding tickets,

speeding tickets being affordable to the rich.

I rank tailgaters with taggers,

so I’ve even given up walking my dog

along the River Road footpaths

because the traffic is

just too ugly to see.

                 Mishpukha My Arse

Although I’m Jewish, for better or for worse,

or for neither,

I can feel no affinity

for the dick-headed stupidity

and self-righteous maleficence

of the psychopathic Israeli power elite,

nor kinship with those within it.

The members of my own family

who have admired them, aped them, and cheered them on

can give me the shivers.

              Is It Me?

Let me tell you

how much I dislike

being ignored.

Are you paying attention?

There’s no point in asking.

Like that young man

from SJS

who seemed to be listening

as I explained his instructions

for the job I hired him to do

and then ignored or disregarded –

or both ignored and disregarded –

every one of them.