Lifestyle Section

            Put to Better Use

I saw a photo

of some billionaire’s pleasure boat

that was about four decks tall

and about the length of a football field;

some crew members were easing

a speedboat about six metres long

beneath the raised hatch

of a waterline storage port

in the side of the big boat.

It struck me that this nautical set-up

would be ideal for smuggling

large numbers

of refugees and asylum-seekers

past Australia’s heartlessly cruel authorities

and into the Lucky Country.

The luxury during the passage

would do them some good, too,

I imagine.

         Cocktail Dress

I saw something

about a:

“Vintage 1960s Peach

Alfred Werber Sleeveless

Cocktail Dress

Formal A-Line w/ Pear Detail”

and I wondered about

what makes a dress a cocktail dress;

is it that it doesn’t show the spew

after its wearer

has barfed the contents

of several high-alcohol drinks –

plus hors d’oeuvres –

all over its front?

            Mature Capitalism

I saw a feature on TV

about some French tennis star

with a hyphenated name

driving up to some trendy upmarket boutique

in some trendy European city

in a car that looked as if it cost more

than I’ve earned in my lifetime,

and spending the better part of an afternoon

selecting a shirt

that probably cost more

than my pension pays me per fortnight.

Well, at least I live in a country

with a universal old-age pension

large enough to keep me surviving,

unlike some other, richer countries,

even if I can’t afford

a wide-screen plasma TV.

                      Celebrity Dad

Ooo he’s so on fleek

as sleek and as shiny as polished chrome

His daddy spoils him just for stayin’ at home

Ooo he’s so on fleek

He’s got the pimpest car and just couldn’t be colder

He’s got coconut oil on his smooth, shiny shoulders

(he don’t care about you nobodies’ ridicule)

it’s for the Lifestyle shoot at his daddy’s swimming pool

Ooo he’s so on fleek

Ooo so not really oily – it’s just part of him

like his personal trainer instead of a gym

He’s left Grammar and has his own private tutor

learning wine appreciation and global haut couture

Ooo he’s so on fleek

His dates are all on fleek, too, and slim

He follows fashion and fashion follows him

Ooo he’s so on fleek

                               LOL So Tight

The image is of some previously self-important

rich white boy

whose father owns a night club.

He’d boasted about

raping a virgin

– ‘LOL so tight’ –

in a text to a mate afterward.

The judge had found all sorts of

mitigating reasons

to keep his sentence down

to three-to-five.

In the image

he’s halfway covering his face

whilst leaving the courthouse

after his rape conviction.

The five buttons on the cuffs

of each wrist

of his obviously well-tailored suit jacket

had been sewed on

by some

Asian sweatshop slave.

           Suppositions About the UMC

I was reading a book in the lounge of the house

of somebody whose career had gone handsomely.

My light came from halogen bulbs

in three large glass globes –

maybe 20 centimetres in diameter –

hanging by chains of varying lengths

from a fixture affixed to the lofty, raked, cathedral ceiling.

The globe that hung the lowest

was maybe three metres over my head.

At the bottom of each globe I saw a bunch of dead insects.

I supposed that halogen bulbs have long lives,

that the residents used the fixture infrequently,

and that they must be hell to clean.

                          Privilege

Devilish word, privilege,

and a devilish concept, too:

having a special advantage or immunity

or benefit or prerogative that many other people don’t.

Sounds as if it’s solid inside, like a potato.

Yes, I’ve definitely enjoyed

some of the common privileges

associated with being

a heterosexual, cis-gendered male

with no visible African ancestry

from a first-world, middle-class environment

that valued education,

and with having been born with the intelligence

to benefit from it.

In less visible ways, though,

I have lived my life without some of the privileges

that even some of the poorest,

darkest-skinned people take for granted,

such as the warmth and emotional support

of a close, loving, and empathetic family,

and, except for brief moments, the strength

of being part of an inclusive, caring community.

How privileged am I?

I make no claims.

                         Nosh Ladies

For the first time since it opened

a few years before

I went into the jumbo upmarket deli,

called Nosh,

that’s across the road from the Pak’n Save.

I wanted to buy a bag of farfalle,

which the Pak’n Save had stocked only briefly

one time in the past.

Everything in Nosh looked yummy

and was priced well out of my comfort zone

 – a great place for people who copy

what Jamie Oliver cooks on the telly.

Unlike the Pak’n Save,

I was the only male shopper there.

Also unlike the Pak’n Save,

all of the female shoppers

were wearing clothes

that fairly screamed the word ‘money’

in a tastefully subdued way.

I imagine that the women themselves

were on the upmarket side, also.

                   Deep Fashion I

I’ve had a succession

of next-door neighbours at number four

during my more than a decade at number three.

The most congenial was Rob,

a primary-school principal

who was the queen of his townhouse

and of his growing number of

flatmates.

Once when we were having a chat over the back fence

whilst hanging our wash out on the adjoining lines,

I commented on the phenomenon of designer-logo undies,

and how ridiculous they are,

with their status-proclaiming snob-badges

hidden where people can’t see them.

Rob replied that his undies

usually had a witness or two

after he removed his trousers.

I came back with,

if you get down to your grots

and all you can impress ’em with is a logo …

well, good onya, mate.

He smirked in reply.

         Herne Bay Cafés

When I sometimes used to have

some time to kill in Ponsonby

I sometimes killed some of it

by moseying down  

to oh-so-chic Herne Bay cafés

on Jervois Road.

The expectation that

I would spend more in them than I did

was palpable.

        What Money Can Buy

As I was walking along

under enormous old magnolia trees,

I saw an expensive-looking car

pull into the driveway

of one of the more

expensive-looking houses on George Street.

A woman with

an expensive-looking hairdo

wearing expensive-looking clothes

emerged from it.

She could have been anywhere from 35 to 45,

was blond, trim, good-looking,

and probably more expensive

than anything else in my range of vision.